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- Abbott & Costello at the PC Store
If you remember the classic comedy routine "Who's on first" by Bud Abbott and Lou Costello, the following puts them in the 21st century.
ABBOTT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den and I'm thinking of buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No; my name is Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I'm here to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you my name is Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and some software.
ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows?
COSTELLO: No; on the computer. I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know; run a business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommended something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: Okay; what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes; for my office.
ABBOTT: Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows. Let's say I'm sitting at my computer and want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words.
But what program do I load?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about word for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie on the Internet?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Now what do I need to watch it?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If it's along movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Okay; so I'm at my computer and want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?
ABBOTT: Of course, it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in office for windows.
ABBOTT: No; just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes; although to be fair there aren't many other Words left.
It pretty much wiped out all the other words.
COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?
ABBOTT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Never mind. I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans and so on. What do you have to help me with my money?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: Not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Exactly and no extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge?
How much money do I get?
ABBOTT: Just one copy.
COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?
ABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?
ABBOTT: Why not? They own it.
COSTELLO: Well; it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?
ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: You sell money?
ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.
COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?
ABBOTT: Simply Accounting.
COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.
ABBOTT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: MYOB? What does that stand for?
ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business.
COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?
ABBOTT: No; that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business.
You know ..... accounting? You do it with money.
ABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.
COSTELLO: More money?
ABBOTT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.
COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay? Let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might....what's the word?
Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I do to restore my data?
ABBOTT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer crashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?
ABBOTT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?
ABBOTT: I never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.
COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back.
What do I need to write a proposal?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.
ABBOTT: No, you only need one Word - the Word in the Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But that's three words in.....oh never mind.
ABBOTT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh well.....Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
Submitted by our Aussie Pal John S.
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