|
Hillary Clinton Jokes - All Kinds
The Hillary Files
"I have said that I'm not running and I'm having a great time being pres being a first-term senator." Hillary Clinton, commenting on whether she has presidential ambitions
"Senator Hillary Clinton had an embarrassing slip of the tongue the other day. After saying she had no intention of running for President, she said 'I'm having a great time being the Pres, I mean Senator from New York.' Later when she was asked about President Bill Clinton, she said, 'You know I've been married to that son of, I mean that wonderful man.'" Jay Leno
"According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it." Jay Leno
"We Republicans were almost out of people to hate in the Senate. Teddy Kennedy is just too old and fat to pick on" P.J. O'Rourke, on why Hillary's Clinton's election victory was a good thing, in his new book, The Ceo of the Sofa
"Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family." David Letterman
"My day breaks up like this: 10 minutes doing Senator stuff, 9 hours Sony Playstation." Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.), from the "Top Ten Things Never Before Said By A United States Senator," as heard on the Late Show with David Letterman
"Vanity Fair magazine reports that former President Clinton and Al Gore haven't spoken to each other since George W. Bush's inauguration. Not only that, Bill and his wife, Hillary, haven't spoken since Richard Nixon's inauguration." Conan O'Brien
"Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new home in Washington. People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same." Jay Leno
"To Pretty Hillary. Welcome to the Senate." Sen. Strom Thurmond to Sen. Hillary Clinton, on a copy of a cartoon from New York magazine depicting the exuberant embrace he gave her when she was sworn in
"A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on eBay for $400. He's a law student, so he probably doesn't need it, but still, that's not very much. Today, Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, at least I got some furniture and a Senate seat for mine." Jay Leno
"It was reported today that a week ago Hillary Clinton officiated at the wedding of one of her long-time aides. There was one awkward moment. When they got to the point where they asked if anyone had a reason to object, Hillary got out her wedding album." Conan O'Brien
"If we have an accident it will be 49-49." Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) on her upcoming Harley ride with Sen. Ben Nighthorse Campbell (R-Co.)
Bob Dole (to Late Night host Conan O'Brien): "I like your furniture. I've seen furniture like this in the White House. Has Hillary been here?" O'Brien: "Did they really take noticeable stuff from the White House?" Dole: "George Bush invited me to stay in the Lincoln Bedroom last week, and I got there and there wasn't any bed. I don't know what happened to it. It's probably up here somewhere."
"Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton is now facing a kind of personal dilemma. She can't decide whether to drop the name Clinton from her name, or drop the name Rodham. They can't figure out which one is more embarrassing." Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton is getting a little bit of controversy because she has the most expensive hometown office rent over $500,000 a year. She's in a one-year lease in the office, as opposed to her marriage, which is on a month-to-month." Jay Leno
"Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch." Late, Late Show host Craig Kilborn
"Hillary said today that she knew nothing about her brother's involvement (in Clinton's pardons). I believe her. This woman didn't even know who her husband was having sex with. How is she going to know what her brother is doing? Six months ago, she just suddenly found out she lived in New York!" Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton's brother Hugh Rodham allegedly took $400,000 in exchange for two pardons. This is the most embarrassing incident the Clintons have had all week. Of course, this is great news for Roger Clinton. Now, he is no longer the most embarrassing Presidential relative. ... Today, Hillary asked him to return the money. He said he couldn't because he spent the whole 400 grand at the Krispy Kreme doughnut store. ... That is one thing about the Bush family: Jeb didn't take any money for fixing the Florida election. He did it for free." Jay Leno
"Senator Hillary Clinton was (at Bush's speech).. And it was the first time that she was at a presidential address as a member of congress. Of course Bill loved it, it was like having a Hillary cam. He knew where she was the whole time. He was keeping an eye on her from the motel. 'Trixy bring me another brew, will ya? She is going to be about another 20 minutes.'" Jay Leno
"Did you know Bill and Hillary Clinton were born under the same sign? Know what sign? 'For Sale.'" Jay Leno
"Senator Hillary Clinton was there. And it was the first time that she was at a presidential address as a member of congress. Of course Bill loved it, it was like having a Hillary cam. He knew where she was the whole time. He was keeping an eye on her from the motel. 'Trixy bring me another brew, will ya? She is going to be about another 20 minutes.'" Jay Leno
"President Clinton, this guy is sharp. Boy, he gave Hillary the most romantic Valentine's gift today, a huge rose garden. Where would he get that?" Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. You know, the one with only seven commandments." David Letterman
"Can I hug you?" Republican Sen. Strom Thurmond, 98, to Hillary Clinton after her swearing in as New Yorks junior senator
"Where else in the world could you stand on a corner and have people yell Go home! in every language?" Hillary Clinton, on New York City
"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it." Jay Leno
"I'm praying, of course, that Hillary will win. If she doesn't Lord, I'll have to call Revlon again." Vernon Jordan, friend and adviser to Bill Clinton, on Hillary's New York Senate bid. Jordan came under fire during Clinton's impeachment for having called Revlon to get Monica Lewinsky a job
"If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle." Hillary Clinton
"If Reaganomics works at all, Whitewater could become the Western Hemisphere's mecca." Hillary Clinton, in a 1981 letter to business partner James McDougal, on prospects for the future First Family's investment in the ill-fated Arkansas land deal
"You know, if I were a single man, I might ask that mummy out. That's a good-looking mummy." Bill Clinton, looking at "Juanita," a newly discovered Incan mummy on display at the National Geographic museum
"Probably she does look good compared to the mummy he's been fucking." Mike McCurry, former White House press secretary, making an off-the-cuff joke to reporters
|
|
|
Email This to a Friend
