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Teddy Kennedy - 70 and Still Useless
Birthday boy has overstayed his own party
by Howie Carr
Sunday, February 24, 2002
How old would Mary Jo Kopechne be this year?
After the interminable puff pieces of the last few days, we all know how old our bloated senior senator is - 70 as of Friday. He shares a birthday, but little else, with George Washington.
George Washington couldn't tell a lie. Ted Kennedy couldn't tell the truth.
When he first ran for the Senate in 1962, his slogan was ``He CAN do MORE for Massachusetts.''
Isn't that the truth? Massachusetts is truly Kennedy Country - a miasma of methadone clinics, abortion centers, drive-by shootings, illegal aliens, illiterate high school graduates and skyrocketing illegitimacy rates.
Ted Kennedy was a five-star general in the War on Poverty and, at least in Massachusetts, Poverty won. Our state now teems with Clarabel Venturas and John Geoghans.
Then there's Ted's personal life - Chappaquiddick, Au Bar, the waitress sandwich with Sen. Chris Dodd, the bar fights and the boozy incoherence. The short-term memory is always the first thing to go - just ask Andy, I mean, Marty Meehan.
Is there any more eloquent recent testimony to the utter desolation of his life than the statements filed in court in California by his drug-addled son, Rep. Patrick ``Patches'' Kennedy of Rhode Island?
Patches, you may recall, committed a triple hate crime two years ago at LAX, assaulting an elderly black female security guard who apparently . . . did not know who he was.
The runt's response was classic Kennedy. First he denied it. Then someone produced the videotape, and Patches said the old lady had it coming, bigtime.
Now she's suing, and Patches' defense is as predictable as it is pathetic. He says the woman ``voluntarily and unreasonably proceeded to encounter a danger which was known to her.''
In other words, he's Ted Kennedy's son, and she knew - or should have known - what Kennedys do to women.
Yet the mainstream press still worships these tongue-tied, beer-breathed bums. On Friday Judy Woodruff of CNN was swooning over him. Even Republicans now cut tubby Ted maximum slack. Ex-Sen. Alan Simpson, who lost his mind at Camelot High, is quoted as saying:
``When he tells you he's going to stick with you, he sticks with you through to the end.''
Tell that to Mary Jo.
Once the Kennedys were everywhere respected, or least feared - America's royal family. Now they are a laughingstock. When his niece Maria Shriver tells an interviewer that her husband, Arnold Schwarzenegger, has a ``Kennedy-like mentality,'' everyone starts giggling.
A Kennedy-like mentality. That means sex and drugs and rock 'n' roll. A triple Chivas on the rocks, hold the rocks. Vodka saunas and underage babysitters. Blondes bludgeoned with golf clubs and girls in wheelchairs.
And let's not forget Max Kennedy for Congress.
Say what you will about Richard M. Nixon, he pegged Ted Kennedy early on. After Chappaquiddick, H.R. Haldeman recorded that Tricky Dick's analysis was that Teddy ``was drunk, escaped from car, let her drown, said nothing until police got to him. Shows fatal flaw in his character, cheated at school, ran from accident.''
Still, this state is now a reflection of its senior senator, no doubt about it. The working classes have been supplanted by the non-working classes. This week, as a 70th birthday present, the Supreme Judicial Court basically legalized sodomy in public places, including beaches and rest stops. Sex alfresco has long been an obsession of Ted's - remember Sen. Heflin's crack about his support of ``off-shore drilling''?
Twenty years ago, a future governor made his mark by rooting out pension fraud at Boston City Hall. Now, the current governor participates in pension fraud at the State House. Ted's son went into rehab for cocaine abuse. The cardinal, who is not named Cushing, writes tender notes to serial pedophiles.
We are all Kennedys now, and in case you were wondering, Mary Jo Kopechne would be 61 years old today.
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