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Bad Swede Jokes as Told By Norwegians
Swedes in "Questions and Answers"
Q: How do you get a Swede to sound like a dog?
A: Pour gasoline over the Swede, light a match to it and "woof" up it goes in flames.
Q: What's the difference between a dead Swede in the road and a dead snake in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the snake.
Q: Why did the Swede put condoms on his ears?
A: He wanted to avoid getting hearing aids.
Q: Why did the Swedish woman return the vibrator she bought?
A: She kept on chipping her teeth!
Q: Do you know how to break a Swede's neck when he is drinking water?
A: Slam the toilet lid down!
Q: Why was the Swede so happy after he finished the jiggsaw puzzle in six months?
A: Because the box said 2 - 4 years.
Q: What did the swede do when he heard that he had sugar in his urine?
A: He urinated in his porridge.
Q: Why isn't there a roof over the lunatic homes in Sweden?
A: Because if they were to build one, they would have to build a roof over all of Sweden.
Q: What is the shortest book in the world called?
A: Swedish geniuses.
Q: Why are Swedes such lousy lovers?
A: Because they sit on the bed side, waiting for the swelling to go down.
Q: Who is the king of Sweden?
A: Tarzan.
Q: What does it take to convince a swede?
A: Two bananas.
Q: What does a swede call Tarzan's parents?
A: Morzan och Farzan.. (Swedish slang for mother and father)
Q: What do you get if you cross a swede and a gypsy?
A: A car thief who can't drive.
Q: Why do the swedes always walk in the middle of the road?
A: Because they are afraid of the wild flowers by the side of the road.
Q: What is the similarity between swedes and sperm?
A: Only one in a million becomes something.
Q: Why do the swedes cut holes in their umbrellas?
A: Because they want to see when the rain ends.
Q: Why couldn't Jesus have been born in Sweden?
A: It's impossible to find 3 wise men there.
Q: Why do the swedes brush their teeth?
A: Because they don't want the food to get dirty.
Q: Why do swedes bring sand paper with them when they travel in the desert?
A: Because they need a map.
Q: Why do swedes take so long to wash the cellar windows?
A: Because they have to dig a hole for the ladder first.
Q: Why are swedish lighthouses upside down?
A: Because they want to show the submarines the way.
Q: What do you get if you crossbreed a swede with an ape?
A: Another swede.
Q:What happens to the averageIQ in Norway andSweden if a dumb norwegian movesto Sweden?
A: It increases in both countries.
Q: How do you know when you're on the Swedish side of the border?
A: Suddenly the cows are better looking than the women.
Q: Why don't the swedes ever write anything on birthday cakes?
A: They can't get them into the typewriter.
Q: The difference between a Swede and a pizza?
A: The Swede screams when put in the oven.
Q; How can you spot the swede in a group of Hells Angels?
A: The swede is the one with support wheels on the side of his bike.
Q: What sits in a corner and shrinks?
A: A swede who is licking a cheese-slicer.
Q: What are beautiful women in Sweden called?
A: Tourists.
Q; How can you tell if there are swedes on an oil rig?
A: They are throwing bread up in the air, trying to feed the choppers.
Q: What is the similarity between drinking a Cola and a swede's laugh?
A: You can't beat the feeling.
Q: What is the greatest swedish invention?
A: The inflatible dart game.
Q: What do the signs on the turnstiles in sweden say?
A: "Høgst fyra varv." (Max. 4 rounds)
Q: What is the penalty for suicide in Sweden?
A: Life in prison.
Q: Why do swedes always drink their milk in the store?
A: Because on the packet it says: OPEN HERE.
Q: Why don't swedes want to sit on the second floor of double-deckerbuses?
A: Because there's no driver.
Q: Why do swedish grandmothers take birth-control pills?
A: Because they don't want any grand-children.
Q: Why do swedes whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: Why do swedes always bring a ladder to the store?
A: Because the prices are too high.
Q: Why are swedish jokes getting sillier and sillier?
A: Because the swedes have started to make them up themselves.
Q: Why do swedes always bring a car door with them when they travel inthe desert?
A: Because if it get's too hot, they can always roll down the window.
Q: Why don't swedes dine out in the winter?
A: Because it's so bloody cold outside.
Q: Why do swedes always have some empty soda bottles in the fridge?
A: In case there's anyone who ain't thirsty.
Q: Why do swedes always go outside when there's lightning?
A: Because they think someone is taking pictures of them.
Q: Why do so many swedish navy personnel drown?
A: Because when the engine stops, they all have to get out and push.
Q: What do you call a beautiful swede?
A: Lucky.
Q: Why does the Swedish policemen have, on the front of their caps the text "Roxette" written?
A: Because in Great Britain policemen have "Police".
Q: How do you get a one armed Swede out of a tree?
A: Wave to them !
Q: What do you do if a Swede tosses a hand granate at you?
A: Pull out the splinter and toss it back!
Q: Why don't they play hide and seek in Sweden?
A: Who the heck wants to find a Swede?
Did you hear about the Swedish policeman's test? They give the candidate a square peg, and sit him in front of a bench with a round hole and a square one.
If the candidate puts the peg in the square hole, they hire him for his intelligence.
And if he puts it in the round hole, they hire him for his strength.
Did you ever hear about the Norwegian and the Swede who were competing
to see who could reach furthest out of a window.
...Quite suddenly the Swede won.
Did you ever hear about the Swede who brought his binoculars to a funeral
where they were going to bury a distant relative of his...
Did you ever hear about the Swede who was asked if he had lived in Stockholm all his life.
..."Not yet," he answered.
Did you ever hear about the Swedish doctor who was so afraid of bacteria,
...that he cooked his ice-cubes before he put them in his drink.
Did you ever hear about the Swede who hijacked a submarine...
...and asked for 100.000 Kronor in ransom and a parachute?
Did you ever hear about the Swede who went ice-fishing...
...and returned home with 10lbs of ice?
Did you hear about the swede who didn't know whether he would become an aunt or an uncle?
- The reason was that he didn't know if his sister was having a boy or a girl.
Did you heard about the swedish abortion clinic?
- They have a one year waiting list.
Did you hear about the swede who was asked how often he had sex with hiswife?
- "Almost every day..... almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday..."
Did you hear about the swedish lesbian who was so stupid that she went to bed with a man?
Did you hear about the swede who couldn't eat spaghetti?
- He didn'thave long enough dishes.
Did you hear about the swede who always drove around with his handbrake on?
- He wanted to be ready for an emergency.
Did you hear about the swede who flunked his urine test?
Did you hear about the swede who painted his house so incredibly quickly...
...because he wanted to finish before he ran out of paint?
Did you hear that NASA has found intelligent life in space?
...now they're desperately trying to find some in Sweden.....
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