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KERRY'S DOWNHILL RUN
KERRY'S DOWNHILL RUN By: G.Marnier - SatireNewsService In a further effort to show that he is "one of the people," Sen. Kerry took time off from his campaign trials to hit the snow trails surrounding the multi-million dollar estate of his second very-rich-wife, Teresa Heinz Kerry, in Idaho. The vacation was much needed in the wake of increasing challenges to what is emerging as evidence of his playing both sides of many issues, most recently those dealing with his statements relative to a military appropriations bill: "I actually did vote for the $87 billion before I voted against it", and whether he received support from foreign leaders, which he refuses to name. Many on his staff have made it very clear that the French and German leaders desperately want Kerry to win, but the only two, so far, that have been revealed are avowed anti-Semitic former Malaysian prime minister, Mahathir Mohamad, and North Korean Dictator Kim Jon Il. Kerry Campaign media spokesperson Ima Lyre, told SNS that the Senator "Isn't getting support from anybody. No. What I mean is he has enough support from the liberal media in this country. He doesn't need to go looking elsewhere. He needs some rest, so just leave him alone and let him have some fun on the slopes." Unbeknownst to both Kerry and the Secret Service agents now assigned to protect him, a group of soldiers who had recently returned from Iraq and were getting some R and R with their families, had placed signs on the zigzagging course down the mountainside, pointing out how he had voted both for and against the same pieces of legislation during his years in the Senate. Banking on the Senator's overwhelming need for self promotion and his inability to deal with whatever reality was facing him, the troops had posted a large KERRY'S DOWNHILL RUN sign at the top of the run. After preparing his snow board, Kerry bowed, waved his arms at the sign and shoved off to much applause from reporters and photographers from the WASHINGTON POST, NEW YORK TIMES, ABC, CBS, NBC and several Arabic news agencies who support his anti-war positions. The first four turns were marked: ISRAEL SECURITY FENCE, GAY MARRIAGES, NAFTA and THE PATRIOT ACT. Startled, Kerry slalomed both towards and away from each. A short straight stretch brought him back to an almost upright position until he saw FIRST GULF WAR, CUBA SANCTIONS, BURMA SANCTIONS, DEATH PENALTY FOR TERRORISTS, DEFENSE SPENDING, FEDERAL HEALTH BENEFITS, and MILITARY RECORD IN VIET NAM looming up ahead. Trying desperately to veer, he fell and flip-flopped for several hundred feet. The Secret Service Agents helped him to his feet and he started off again, only to be met at the next series of turns with LITMUS TEST FOR JUDICIAL NOMINEES, AFFIRMATIVE ACTION, PACS, NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND, WELFARE REFORM, TAX RELIEF FOR MARRIED COUPLES and MEDICAL MARIJUANA, at which point he took a header into a sign noting his votes on ABORTION. Fearing another fall, one of the Secret Service Agents skied towards him but they collided. Concerned that some reporters would think he was not an expert athlete, Kerry yelled "I don't fall down. That son of a b*tch knocked me over," then took off and while continuing his habit of always looking to the left, plowed into a USE OF FORCE AGAINST IRAQ sign on his right, at the bottom of the run. The troops and their families were waiting for him and let out a cheer. 
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