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The Strange Thoughts of Fray Pascual
Fray Pascual
Philosopher - Comic - Dominican Friar Patrick Manalio Passarelli
Random Rants:
My ex-girlfriend kept going out with me because she said I wasn't worth breaking up with.
The only nice thing my ex-girlfriend ever said to me was that I was a jerk, but in the good sense of the word.
My furniture is too old to be antique.
You must have run this meal through the flavor extractor.
Do people who do graffiti ever suffer from writer's block?
Why do people say, "out of the mouth of babes"? Have you ever seen what comes out of the mouth of babes?
You must be a genius to keep your brilliance so well hidden.
I'll never eat another meal made by someone who needs Toast Helper.
I don't know why they tell us to buy fish oil. Aren't they slippery enough already?
According to the "Big Bang" theory, we're all made of atoms that are billions of years old. If that's true, how could we let the cosmetic industry convince us that by taking their products (made of atoms that are billions of years old) and smearing them on top of other atoms (that also are billions of years old), we would regain our youth?
This morning I woke up to the pitter-patter of little feet. It was a cockroach running across my face.
Would a surgeon-comedian say, "A funny thing happened on the way to the gall bladder?"
My family helped me decide to do comedy. When I told them I wanted to be a comedian, they busted up laughing!
I'm glad there are still some things we can depend on, like when the swallows spawn upstream to Capristrano.
I had a pen pal once. I sent her a letter with my photo. She had it touched up and sent it back saying, "Don't write to me again until you look like this!"
My mother's afraid to be alone and my father's afraid of people. They never met.
My father has xenophobia so bad, he makes the neighbors ask him permission to have visitors.
I wish I knew somebody who could levitate. They could wash the roof of my van.
Why such a philosophical quandry over which came first, the chicken or the egg? Just eat them both at the same time.
Being bored keeps me busy.
I don't know why it's called "Stand-up comedy." I'm usually on my knees, begging for a laugh.
Better the funny farm than the fossil farm.
I used to work in heavy construction. I drove a bulldozer that had training wheels.
My brother is trilingual - he speaks Spanish in three languages.
Rembrandt used a 'smiley face' magnet to hang one of his paintings on the refrigerator.
Would a nostalgic fortune teller only predict the past?
The first acupuncturists practiced on a species of weasels. Today these animals are called porcupines.
On the ark's return trip, Noah got his license pulled for dumping animal waste. That's why it's still called "The Dead Sea."
My parents have a great relationship. My mother says "Right, you're the boss. And if you have any problems, you come to me."
My cousin lives in a gated community - San Quentin.
What he can't express in words, he makes up for by talking.
Getting older is the very cause of aging.
Ignorance is nine tenths of the law.
At the Liar's Club for Lemmings awards, Lenny took first place. He said "Trust me, I've done this a thousand times."
The runner up was Louie, who said "We all started out as elephants."
I eat whatever and whenever I want. It's my new health free diet.
I don't like to eat. It ruins my appetite.
I got fired from my last job for coming in late. I was up the whole night before writing a resignation letter.
It's unlucky to be superstitious.
They were yelling so loud that I couldn't hear them.
Noah's great, great, etc. grandson, keeps family tradition alive by running the log waterslide ride at Disneyland.
I can't stand gossip. I've had people talk behind my back right to my face.
One of the main causes of the American Revolution was the Boston Tupperware Party.
Sign on the Pessimist's Club door: "It's never too late to give up hope."
My favorite place to get stopped for speeding is Las Vegas. All the police cars have a pair of fuzzy dice hanging from the rear view mirror.
When my doctor asked if I do any exercise, I said, "Does ripping off the filters of my cigarettes count?"
If Adam and Eve practiced channeling, who would they go back to?
Darwin got the idea for the survival of the fittest from one of the crew's comments about his coffee.
If a tree falls in the forest, was there anyone around to hear it? Not if it was downed by the Al Capone Logging Company.
I'm on a new diet. I fast only between bites.
You couldn't pay me to work for free!
When you're bored, try listening to a chess match on the radio.
Is a zen trainwreck more peaceful than a regular trainwreck?
I started to fall in love once, but the phone rang.
I used to be a perfectionist, but I'm trying to improve.
I'd be a lot richer if there was a Good Hair Fairy.
If a mime falls in the forest, does he make a sound?
I overeat only in moderation.
If you play a Neil Diamond song backwards, do you get Barry Manilow?
I came from an average family. My father was a navigator on a merry-go-round and my mother was a stewardess on a hang glider.
My great great grandfather was the shortest horse thief in the old west. When they finally caught him, they hung him from a bonsai tree.
I recently quit smoking. I knew it was time to quit when I heard my guardian angel cough.
We all go through different phases in our lives. I recently went through my 'revolutionary phase". Having a middle class background didn't help. The first thing I did was to go out and buy a pair of Gucci combat slippers.
I figured out how to save water and electricity at the same time. I use an electric shaver, but I don't plug it in.
I wanted to keep in shape, so I bought a rowing machine. I took it down to the lake, and it sunk like a ton of bricks.
I'm not the outdoor type - for me, camping is sleeping with the window open.
I was never good at school. The last time I took a math exam, I even got the room number wrong.
I live in a tough neighborhood. It is so tough, everyones' tattoos still have the needles in them.
I have a neighbor who is afraid of heights, so he built his balcony on the first floor.
I have another neighbor from India. I invited him over to a barbecue, and the first thing he tried to do was walk on the coals.
The newlyweds were walking out of the church. The groom's new brother-in-law whispered in his ear, "When they start throwing the rice, open your mouth - it's the last good meal you're going to get!"
A thief is someone who wants to die with your boots on.
A friend asked me if I judge people by their appearances. I answered, "It depends what they look like."
Why do we have health insurance? When I get the bill, it makes me sick.
I missed breakfast this morning. My mom prepared instant coffee, instant oatmeal and instant orange juice. I told her, "I'll be back in a minute."
Do cat burglars wear Hush Puppies?
I'm not sure about all this "organic" stuff. Adam and Eve ate organic, look where that got us.
The nurses at the maternity ward begin every shift with a chorus of Queen's "We Will Rock You."
My uncle just turned 100 years old. The local paper did an interview with him. The reported asked to what does he attribute his long life, and my uncle answered, "My poor memory - I keep forgetting to die!"
Engraved on Don Vito Corleone's (The Godfather) tombstone:
I made them an offer they couldn't refuse.
If they still said no, I put cement in their shoes.
I didn't know I'd end up like this,
for sending so many to sleep with the fish."
My father always took us on the most exciting vacations. One time we went to the Root Canal Festival. It was right next to the Grand Canyon, which they called the Grand Cavity.
Insanity Helpers:
At a business meeting, tap on a water glass with a spoon, stand up and challenge all the other tables to a yodeling contest.
At a business luncheon, put a puppet on each hand and do a "Punch and Judy Show" - using the spoon as the bat.
Walk out of a hardware store saying to those entering, I'll never eat here again!"
At a business conference, conduct a seance.
At a butcher shop, ask for a pound of hamburger. As the butcher is preparing it, say, "We used to call her Bessie".
In the middle of a business conference say, "Remember Dwight Eisenhower?"
Put a sign on the office bulletin board: "Attention - All wearing fingerprints, please report at once to security!"
Elevator Fun:
Get on with a tuba and play Led Zepplin's "Stairway to Heaven."
Start singing "I'm a Little Teapot"
Unlikely Products:
A 100 pound sack of rhino litter.
A rare photo of Tinkerbell practicing voodoo.
A fur lined spittoon.
An etch-a-sketch gravestone marker - let anybody write whatever they want on it.
Algae enhancer for shower floors
Styrofoam poles for pole vaulting
Synthetic dandruff for wigs
Unlikely Companies:
The Bonneville Flats Speed Bump Co.
Captain Ahab's Fishing Expeditions Ltd.
Wanda's Water Buffalo Obedience School Inc.
The Sierra Club Chain Saw Company
Greenpeace Plastics, Inc.
The Audubon Society Duck Call Co.
Bumper Sticker:
Don't procrastinate! Put it off NOW.
Businesses doomed to failure:
Attila the Hun's Ballet School
Captain Nemo's Styrofoam Anchors
Capone's Tax Consultants
Quasimodo's Hot Oil Therapy.
Unheard Musical Notes:
Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture was originally written by a local garage band called "The Smudge Pots."
Schubert's Unfinished Symphony stayed that way, because he forgot to pay the rent and got evicted by his landlord.
The rock group 'Steppenwolf' got the idea for "Born to be Wild" while they were walking by an organ grinder and his monkey.
Unlikely Theme Songs:
The Internal Revenue Service - "You've Got A Friend"
Worst Slogans:
Ma Barker's Gunpowder Cookies - "These babies will blow your ear wax out."
Zeke's Funeral Parlor: "You ain't died till we bury you."
Melvin's Used Masking Tape Museum: "Let the nations fall silent before the beauty."
Huh?
There's no mind in my doubt.
The skywriting's on the wall.
I'm slowing down as fast as I can.
The squeaky wheel gets the worm.
This tastes good except for the flavor.
Her eyes lit up like a ton of bricks.
It's all bridges under the water now.
He'd give you the shirt off your back.
It's a 9 to 5 job 24 hours a day.
Any storm in a port.
It was a shotput wedding.
They had us over a barrel of monkeys.
He's like a bad penny - always turning up a dollar short.
A stitch in time is worth two in the bush.
If you can't get there on time, then get there early.
All clocks will be set back so we'll have time to be late.
They were on sale at three for a dozen.
Sometimes life closes one door, but shuts another.
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