Johnny Carson as "Karnak" One Liners
"A loaf of bread, a jug of wine and thou."
Reading the contents of the envelope:
"Name three things that have yeast."
A: The Nestea Plunge.
Q: What does the president of Nestea use when his toilet is topped up?
A: A, B, C, D, E, F, G.
Q: What were some of the earlier forms of Preparation H?
Q: What do you look for when you're tracking a shoo-be-doo-be?
A: Zippo Marx.
Q: What do you get when something gets caught in your Zippo?
Q: What's the smart thing to do if a Dallas Cowgirl touches you?
Q: What do you call a military coup led by General Kitchy Kitchy?
A: Big Ben, Joe Namath and a candidate's campaign promises.
Q: What is a clock, a jock and a crock.
Johnny.........."Wow, It sure Is cold today"
ED.............."How cold was it"
Johnny.........."I saw a dog stuck to a telephone pole"
Rodney Dangerfield: "Johnny, how long have you and Ed McMahon been together?"
Johnny: "I guess it's been about ten years now."
Rodney Dangerfield: "Wow, that is a long time...any children?"
Johnny: "It's not that we haven't TRIED!!!"
Answer: Sis Boom Bah
Question: What sound does a sheep make when it explodes?
Name what offence someone should automatically get the death sentence:
Johnny: Whoever told squirrels they were good at crossing the road!
Ed: Yassir Arafat
Johnny: Yassir Arafat
Johnny: What's the sound made when Dolly Parton removes her bra?
Johnny: "It was so cold outside..."
Audience: "How cold was it?"
Johnny: "It was so cold, the politicians had their hands in their own pockets."
Answer: Donald, Benji, and Alexis Carrington
Rips open envelope...
Question: Name a duck, mutt, and a slut.
Karnak foresees the answer -- "Bobby Orr, Bobby Hull, Ed Sullivan."
Opens envelope for question: "Name two hockey players and a hockey puck."
Some sad news from Australia....the inventor of the boomerang gernade died today...."
"Does that joke draw a picture, or what?"
Carnac (looking at Ed with distain): "May the fleas of a thousand camels nest in your short."
"Catch-22...What do the Los Angeles Dodgers do with 100 pop flies."
"A triple and a double, catcher's and fielder's, and Dolly Parton"
"Name two big hits, two big mitts.....and a famous country singer!"
Carnack: What do you look for when you're hunting do-whackas?
Carnak: What collects on your dippity in the morning?
Carnack: "William Safire."
Ed: "WILLIAM SAFIRE."
Carnac, looking at Ed in distain: "May a diseased camel date your sister......
William Safire...(Tearing open the envelope)..."Q: What's Shakespeare's first name, Kingfish."
Q. "What do you want to avoid doing when you shave her bocker?"
Raquel Welch: It's very reassuring in a way to know that all these fans are so interested in film personalities that they would like to come, you know, and even just look at your house and your shrubs, it sometimes it's rather embarrassing.
Johnny: I'd love to see your shrubs.
In reference to the buxom blond named Morgana who ran out of the field during a world series game and kissed Steve Garvey, Carson (holding his hands palm up near his chest) exclaimed, "She was big!".
Ed and the audience asked in unison, "Well, how big was she?"
Carson replied, "If Dolly Parton was a mouthful, this girl would be a two-week supply".
Submitted by Jason K.