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Why Kerry Chose Edwards as VP
Memo to staff - why I chose John Edwards as my running mate:
# Tremendous hair - maybe better than mine.
# Not a potty-mouth like Cheney.
# OK, fine, McCain turned me down.
# Brings much-needed balance to ticket: He waves lefty, I wave righty.
# Three words: Chicks dig him.
# Humble background voters love: son of millworker, worked his way through college sweeping floors, blah, blah, blah.
# Populist image, champion of the common man, tireless voice of the underdog, yadda, yadda, yadda.
# Did I mention his hair? Should probably say that again.
# Let's face it: Who appeals to "ordinary people" more than a wealthy trial lawyer?
# When they're renovating my mansion, Teresa and I can always crash at his.
# Who looks better striding across airport tarmacs?
# Compared to Cheney, he's Jack LaLanne: no heart attacks, no quadruple-bypass surgery. Not a guy who'll keel over in a buffet line.
# During debate between VP candidates, can challenge Cheney to a push-up contest.
# If Cheney gets cute with trick questions on terrorism, the economy, etc., Edwards can shoot back: "Oh, yeah? What's your cholesterol count?"
# Sunny guy, always smiling. Offsets my image as someone who should be standing next to a freshly dug grave with a shovel.
# Can never have too many guys on the ticket named John.
# Agrees with me that one way to bridge gulf between "two Americas" - one for the privileged, one for everyone else - is to marry heiress to Heinz food fortune.
# Terrific hair. (Maybe I mentioned this. If so, apologies.)
# He's Mr. Positive when it comes to campaigning - hates to "go negative." (Note: We'll work on this. By the time I'm through, he'll be referring to Lynne Cheney as "that sniveling, dough-faced harridan.")
# Family man with three adorable kids, two toddlers perfect for photo ops. American voters would elect Joe Stalin if he campaigned with these two.
# That whole I'm-from-the-North, he's-from-the-South thing.
# Carolina drawl nice counterpoint to my Boston Brahmin accent, which plays like Farsi below the Mason-Dixon line.
# Great sense of humor. Says he doesn't mind if I introduce him as "Opie" at Democratic National Convention.
# When we're clasping raised hands for photogs, his sweat a lot less than Bob Graham's.
# That thing he does with his hair, when the breeze catches it? How he sort of flicks it off his forehead? Like Kennedy did? (Sorry if I seem fixated on this!).
# Focus groups say he's a way better back-slapper than Dick Gephardt.
# Exactly what "experience" do you need to attend the funeral of the president of Togo?
# His docs assure us his hair should thin very little over the next four years.
# If graying occurs, poll of leading stylists indicates he'll do fine with the dark-brown rinse from Just for Men.
# OK, bottom line: Does anyone really care who the VP candidate is?
# And remember: After Dan Quayle, every other veep candidate looks like Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
Submitted by Pasadena Phil
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