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CBS CLINTON COVER-UP UNCOVERED
CBS CLINTON COVER-UP UNCOVERED By: G.Marnier - Satire News Service In a further effort to insure that his viewers got what he said was the "whole story," Dan Rather ran previously un-aired footage on Monday night of his Sunday night "60 Minutes" interview of Clinton and his book "My Life". This was touted as an effort to clarify issues regarding bin Laden having been offered to Clinton by the Sudanese in 1996 - which Clinton denied happened but finally admitted in 2002 did, in fact, occur. What Rather did not report was how the New York Times, VANITY FAIR, the BBC and other reviewers had royally panned the book. This was of grave concern to CBS as their network web site is a business partner with Amazon.com and the network stands to make a profit from that arrangement based on the number of Clinton books sold through Amazon. Of much more significant import, however, was a twenty minute tape of Clinton and Rather sitting down to talk before the actual interview started and going over topics they'd discuss on air. Unbeknownst to either, an un-named CBS technician who was working on one of the cameras was actually taping the conversation which he forwarded to SNS. The footage opens with Rather warmly welcoming a very up-beat Clinton to the studio, assuring him that he was one of his great admirers and then asking him why he wrote the book? "First off, Ah wanta tell you how great it is to be here. Ah just love being interviewed by friends. Now then, to answer your question, Ah wrote it for all those people who voted for me. Ah knew they'd go on believing whatever Ah told them, because Ah always told them what they wanted to hear. That's what the Democratic party stands for. Ah knew the media would really tout it for me, too, and everybody would go out and buy the thing. Ah mean, if it hadn't been for you guys over the years - yes, Jennings and Brokaw, too, Ah'd be dead meat by now but you gave me a place in history and Ah thank you for it. Don't look so worried. We're not being taped, so nobody will know Ah said somethin good about the competition." Smiling and nodding, Rather reached out, shook Clinton's hand and asked him if he thought his followers minded the stories about his sexual relations with other women. "Give me a break. Some women will try anything to make themselves look important. You'd think they'd be grateful Ah even let them get near me. Ah mean, Ah was Governor. Ah was President. The men who voted for me know what that kind of power can do for them and the women who voted for me? Hey, they know about how to use power, too. And Ah got impeached because of that kind of stuff? OK. OK. So Ah paid Paula Jones $850,000. Ah had to, so Ah could get back to work for the American people. Ah'd been trying to shut her up for 4 years but when Ah finally got it settled, I spent three hours in mah office reading the Bible. That's the kind of man Ah am." Rather then asked him about how the impeachment had affected his life. "Ah worked mah ass all my life for my this country. So Ah was impeached. Didn't really make any difference, did it? Ah'm making $10 million on mah book. Ah picked up $267,000 for a 40 minute speech Ah gave in 2002 right there in bin Laden's hometown of Jeddah, Saudi Arabia. Yeah, and Ah got about $500,000 from other countries over there. People aren't going to pay me money for nothing." Not missing a beat, he added: "When Ah was in the White House, Ah got a $2,00O saxophone; another one at $2,500 and you know how Ah love to play sex...no, Ha. Ha. Ah mean play the sax. Glad we're not being taped after that one. Ah also got $2,000 golf clubs; $400 golf clubs with a Razorback emblem; a $450 golf driver with the presidential seal; a $350 belt with a silver buckle; a $900 gavel made of wood from the USS Constitution; a $375 watch and sportswear; a $350 cartoon from Steven Spielberg; four neckties for $360.00; a $400 antique map of Illinois; $400 for an Arkansas duck-stamp print; more golf stuff worth $625; $1,027 of Coca-Cola stock from the friend who introduced me to Monica; and $750 for Buddy, my Lab dog. "Do you think people would have given me all that stuff if they didn't like what Ah was doing as President? No way. They knew Ah loved the job and Ah made that clear as anything in mah book. Oh, Ah forgot this. Hillary got some really nice gifts too. Some lady who makes all those fine evening purses, Ah think her name's Judith something or other, gave Hillary three of them and they cost over-the-counter more than $10,000. Now you don't do that if you don't like people. And those right-wing apes got all ticked off because we didn't declare them on our financial-disclosure statements. Hello? Ah was President. They were gifts. So what's the big deal?" Rather suggested they talk about the worst times. "Ah can't tell you how distressed Ah was when fifty of mah friends died violent deaths when Ah was President. Poor Vince Foster shooting himself while he was lying straight out on the ground in that Park over in Virginia. McDougal. Ron Brown. Plane crashes. Suicides with some shooting themselves behind the ears and in the back of their heads. Terrible. Made me so sad but that's what you have to put up with when you have an important job like mine. "And something else. All those Republicans saying Ah didn't do anything after the 1993 World Trade Center bombing, the Khobar Towers bombing in Saudi Arabia, the bombing of our embassies in Africa, the bombing of the USS Cole. If Ah hadn't been trying to deal with TravelGate, FileGate, WhitewaterGate, MadisonS&LGate, ComoditiesGate, RoseLawFirmGate, MeanaAirStripGate, JaneDoe#5Gate, ChinaGate, BranchDividianGate, maybe Ah could have given those things a lot more attention. Ah'm a law abiding citizen. Have been all mah life. OK. So Ah smoked weed but Ah didn't inhale, so today's kids should look up to me for that." Food was served and while enjoying what looked like chicken wings and grits, Rather asked Clinton about his having to sleep on the couch after the Monica Lewinsky news broke. "Come on, Dan. Ah just said that so people would believe Ah was really sorry. Ah was President and President's don't sleep on couches. You should know that. Ah do have to say this, though, Hillary's the best thing that ever happened to me. She stands up for women's right and Ah really admire her for that. Course, her legs are a little big which is why she wears those pants suits. She's very pro-lesbian. Thinks every woman should be able to kill her unborn baby.....er, Ah mean, have an abortion and Ah'm pro-feminist with her straight down the line. Something else. Ah get a check from the government every month but that doesn't mean Ah won't let mah wife work. And boy is she smart about money. We had to live in New York so she could run for the Senate so when we bought our house in Chappaqua for a million dollars, we had to build a place for the Secret Service. Well the mortgage payments are $10,000 a month and that's what the Secret Service has to pay to live in the house. Yeah. Yeah. I know. The taxpayers are paying for it but former presidents are entitled to protection and besides, it's all legal." Checking his watch, Rather said he wanted to know how Clinton felt about Kerry. "We're Democrats. We know that people need the government to take care of them. To make decisions they don't want to make and a lot a times don't know how to make. Look at all the movie stars who voted for me and are going to vote for Kerry. OK. So those right-wingers say that since movie stars make their living by making believe, they don't know what's what. Wanna bet? Michael Moore showed the world he's one of them and one of us when he made "Fahrenheit 9/11. Ah mean, the Democrats have a lot to say "thanks" for to Hollywood, just like Ah said we have a lot to thank you all in the media. Ah thank mah lucky stars that you all run this country now and you're on our side. "Something else, too. Kerry and I both protested against Viet Nam. Ah just did mine in Europe and besides, Ah wound up as Commander-in-Chief so what's the problem with mah not showing up when Ah was drafted? Some people said Ah was a fugitive from justice under Public Law 90-40 but so what? Jimmah Carter pardoned me, so it's no big deal," at which point the tape went black and ended. SNS calls to CBS, Rather and Amazon.com were not returned. 
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