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KERRY'S NOSE FOR NEWS EXPOSED.
KERRY'S NOSE FOR NEWS EXPOSED. By: G.Marnier - SatireNewsService Mounting concerns by an increasing number of Democratic state chairmen over Kerry's unclear and confusing positions on a long list of issues, were discussed at a closed door meeting at Party headquarters in Washington over the weekend. While assuring the public that Kerry's failure to gain larger numbers in the polls was a direct result of unfair and malicious ads by the Bush campaign, DNC spokeswoman Ima Schlunk did not reveal that the primary reason for the meeting was a photograph taken by an unidentified waiter during an airport stop in Arkansas while Kerry was resting in a secured lounge off the main terminal. A Secret Service agent accompanying Kerry seized the camera but was unaware that the waiter had taken a second shot with a different camera and then forwarded the developed film to SNS. When calls to the DNC were not returned, SNS consulted a neurosurgeon, psychiatrist and plastic surgeon who, after viewing the photograph, held that Kerry's ability to perform such a maneuver was due to several possible factors. The plastic surgeon suggested that " Although he's consistently denied it, Kerry's has definitely had Botox injections in his face. This procedure is essentially in its infancy and to my knowledge, there's no research data available stating that these injections cause underlying solid tissue degeneration. His demonstrated ability to traverse through his nasal sinuses should certainly be of interest in this matter, however, and I will address the topic at our grand rounds meeting next Friday." "I would tend to agree, in part." from the neurosurgeon. "Kerry has what we refer to in the operating room as 'Emptyanitis.' Although rare, it has been traced in some cases to a congenital anomaly which presents itself in adulthood as an overwhelming need to constantly wave the arms. Obviously I can't make a differential diagnosis in the absence of medical records that he refuses to release, but I suspect he had a misproportioned pre-frontal lobotomy which resulted in what is normally unopened space being rendered accessible through the nose. " The psychiatrist went further: "Allow me to elaborate. He's what is clinically categorized in the behavioral sciences as a 'hollow man,' Given his pathological narcissism and his inability to coherently express where he stands on any issue, I view the arm waving, leg extending and flip-flopping on any and all issues as an indicator of physiological, psychological and sociological imbalance." In a studied re-examination of the picture, the plastic surgeon added: "I think I should also comment on the ear. Now understand, I've seen a lot of ears in my practice, but not too many like that one. I wonder if it's shape is due to it's struggling to figure out what the mouth had said before sending the auditory message to the brain. Very curious, indeed." Even though they would ordinarily be concerned about the potential for malpractice suits being brought against them if their comments were made public, they agreed that nobody in the Democratic party was dumb enough - and " that was going some" - to draw attention to their findings by exposing Kerry to even more scrutiny. 
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